Ahh... Progress is slow... again. That is okay I suppose, I am still trying to stay optimistic towards the future as usual :p. I have learned more about myself in the past year than any other, even found out that not only do I have nightmares of spiders, but hallucinate them alot. Creepy I know, but nothing I can do about it. Latuda didn't even work for it haha. Things have been pretty chill lately which is also nice, well, more chill than usual, I'm making friends, learning new coping skills, etc. I wonder if I'll be able to work again in 5~ years after alot of CBT / DBT.. I know that worked when I was like 10, can't wait for this waitlist to conclude so I can actually start therapy and finally try and end the hell I have so patiently waited a decade for.. Despite the USA healthcare being sub-par, I am glad I was able to get help for free some-what. Perks of being an adult I guess, I don't have to wait on others to do shit. I have realized a big part on why this website is therapeutic for me; ***He showed a healthy level of fantasy and/or imagination, but more prominent were his obsessive-compulsive traits, or his need to be in complete mastery of the situation, and to never be wrong. He creates unnecessary or excessive problems for himself, and in this way is self-defeating, and leading to a sense of pessimism and depression. His lack of certainty or confidence also leads to a mood of anxiety or being fearful, unless he has done everything, or left no stone unturned. He cannot maintain this, and so shows the problematic or presenting symptoms of doing nothing at all, or withdrawing from any sense of responsibility to the tasks required of him. He generally follows the principle of all or nothing.*** Part of my medical record from when I was 10 :p, apparently I am similar in that regard, its so weird and conflicting.. But yeah, this website and projects therein, are an outlet for this. Well today its more like I must be in complete mastery of anything and everything for fear of rejection, pain, etc. Such a complex, very complex issue of mine that I am only just re-discovering.. Who knows, maybe those from my past can see this part of me and I cannot. # Progress! More of the backend has been made, I fleshed out some of the controllers and added some more to the blog, comment, and contact controllers. I have yet to make the versions... That is going to be complex in-of itself.. ughhh. I am glad I am able to go about this completely at my own pace, I tried forcing myself to go end-on end with coding this... yeah. breakdown lmao I also optimized the dev version, it now loads at 190ms~ vs here which loads at 800-900ms~, huge improvement! Auto-Image compression on upload and Caching. I am also integrating more of the front end with JS to communicate with the backend for a sort of async connection? PHP is cool, besides being block.. async php, would be awesome. Maybe I will look into some of those 'psuedo async' php libraries and implement them at some point. I am hoping to get the site down to below 100ms by summer! Who said PHP isn't functionial in 2024??? :p
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