After much self reflection, and self-psychological analysis, I have decided to redefine myself. Or rather be more true to my nature of who I am. And who is that? I wouldn't know, haha. Bare with me, I have no to little sense of 'self', hell I even find that label of 'self' redundant as a person is complex, ever flowing, ever evolving. ---Ah there I go again, getting paralyzed with thought... I wish I could slow it down or at least better articulate the chaos. So many things I wish to say, convey, or explore in this post. Anyways, Redefinition, yes. What I am, if I had to label myself; Hyper-intelligent, introspective, contrarian, emotionally complex, philosophically driven, existential skeptic, pragmatic outlier, social nonconformist, and self-aware realist. Not to mention Post-Traumatic Genius :p and I have recently decided that it is okay to be these things despite others dogma or worldviews. I have alot to unravel in this regard, sure, as I have always hidden myself, avoided people, put on masks, etc to the point of almost losing who I am... Sigh, why does being Human, have to be so difficult? I've sorta set myself up too, where I am going to be put in situations where I have to be the real me, give my 100%, to get rewarded heavily! I hope that will reinforce this new behavior instead of drowning in chaotic clarity... On that note of being true to myself; I do not like ape-behaviors, nor non-intelligent actions. Everything is more or less calculated with me, if I'm not drowning. I don't think this is elitist of me, which I do try to prevent myself from being, I just view it as I don't know... Less? It's sort of a forced mental and emotional evolution, at least that was the plan when I first gained 'Consiousness' at around 10 years old. 15 years of hiding btw! Oh man, if this pans out... I will be living in euphoria for years to come! Not manic euphoria, genuine happiness and joy (euphoria compared to my baseline emotional state).
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