Ah the familiar sting of guilt trying to pull me back from posting, again. Thanks to the "curse" of the general nature of the Modern Human; Malice & Cruelty. Damn, I'm even getting antsy and my eyes are starting to wander away from the screen to try and distract me from posting... Oh, body, soul, when have you become so fearful of being honest or opening up, or even dissecting yourself? As the "observer" part of my psyche, I don't even want to open that door, yet. I'm still getting my memories back, although very slowly. It's probably because I'm stuck in loops of distraction in person... Fuck this sting. What is so bad about being open and honest? I can't remember why, but I will find that out eventually. As on the memories i'm getting back, pre-2024, theres this sick one from mid-late 2023 when I started to try strong anti-psychotics; my very own friend laughed at it as if it was a game and he won! It's sad really. The modern generic human: Competitive, Narcissistic, Cruel, Arrogant, Selfish, and more along that line. Ohhhh the years I've genuinely lost trying to be friends with that type... I cannot say I haven't tried! It's my fault for not being wary sooner, my kindness got the better of me again... This friend/friend-group was apart of that 2018-2019 influx of normies to "PC Gaming", pre-covid and pre-great wave. Maybe this is a precursor... Anyways, I am looking to forge new memories with new friends. Ones that don't degrade, compete with, interrupt me or treat me like im less than human. For the first time in my life I actually have a drive and desire to make friends! This is great, I've always been pretty reclusive and avoided everyone. I'm sure that helped the rumors these insecure people often formed against me because I was an easy target... To the point of impersonating me on various websites, forums, and even linking my website on various other websites that, are not too friendly... Illegal even. Thanks, Majestic & GSC! Oh well, it was only 5 years of cruelty I had to endure (2020-2025). I sure have a lot of life left to experience, enjoy, explore, and grow with. These past troubles will be but a mere fragment of my past, eventually overrode with joyous adventure, be it new friends, new knowledge, new projects, new houses, new locations, new countries, etc. Life has ALOT to offer, to me especially! Oh, right, about the friend part... I don't really have any as I barely talk to anyone, and those I do talk to currently tend to be racist, cruel, unfair, mean, or otherwise "competitive"... Just typical high-school bravado brought to their 20's+. I'll try VRC again. Maybe I can find some cool, wholesome, nice people there that understand, respect, like, and want to be around me? Maybe then I will understand the feeling of being invited to something, doing events together, hanging out, ENJOYING time together, having convos about metaphysics, the nature of the universe & life, tech, programming, etc... so many possibilites, and so much lost time dwelling over past, "lost" friends... some good, most bad. I've noticed a pattern of being drawn to the bad and ugly in people... Sigh. Oh future me, I hope we are content, happy, and most importantly I hope we got rid of this "sting"!
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