I apologize for my back-to-back posts, almost. Two in the same day! Whilst I still have this gentle cool hug about me, I figured I'd let my mind flow some. I really don't want to make this poetic or philosophical as my recent posts have been, however that is truly the closest to my mind I can get... Anyway, I've spent about 93% of my waking life on a Computer. One of my most treasured photos of my Father that I have, is of me on his computer at the age of 2. That and one other, are the only photos I've ever known of to have both me and him in it. He died 2 years later from that computer photo... It once started as an escape mixed with longing for my father, I suppose. I would make sure to visit my grandparents every-chance I got, just to get on their computer. My memories aren't complete... From playing Runescape (My father used to play!), to playing early WoW, to playing every flash game I could. Not to mention his PS1, his OG Xbox (I still have it!)... His favorite movies are still my favorite. His favorite music is a direct root to my current music taste... My entire personality is still in his shadow, well, not to be negative about him, I often idolized him. I can't believe I forgotten even that. His love for Godsmack, Evanescence, Eminem, Rob Zombie, and others of the time transfered to me at his passing. I never made the correlation to now, about how him, his music, his games, his movies/shows, shaped my entire being, even to this day (My anti-social nature roots back to him even, as for a long time I would barely talk after his passing). The internet is an integral part of my life, psyche, and personality. Rant/Statement over. I'm going to go eat some edibles and vibe to some of my Father's music, again. The last core memory of him I have: I was playing with hotwheels in the basement of the funeral home with My Immortal playing in the room above where his coffin lay. I remember giving him his hat and sunglasses and giving some of his hotwheels back to him, then proceeding to play with the remaining hotwheels of his in the basement with the other coffins (before I got in trouble by the staff of course). It's such a simple memory, others will say its sad. However I wish I could go back there now, in my adult life, and say goodbye, as I never had the chance. I even remember the day he died... Thats a story for another time. Another memory with occult ties: Not too long after his death I remember riding in the back of the car with my then abusive step-father. And I was staring at the Full moon, it was night time, stars out shimmering. I was just staring at the moon and admiring its splendor... I was overly emotional as people often label me, and I just poured all that emotion into the Moon and her silver glow with one wish: Bring my Father back. Oh that pure rage, sorrow, and love I felt all at once. Shortly there-after, we were haunted by my very own Father. I still think about that sometimes I suppose. I wonder if it was another shield for my young self, or was it truly paranormal? Maybe I should try that again with the Moon, in my now wiser and more experienced years, when my emotions come back fully. I am a Cancer after all.
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