there's a reason my name/alias is "Requiem". within it holds all my pain, trauma, rejection, betrayal, memories, desires, ambitions, and dreams. it has been the one un-changing constant these past 7 years of hell. now that im healing and know i cant be touched, i can speak on certain things and groups. especially one who deems the bar, and truck-stops as their Churches, yet they claim, or rather, have the astounding absurd arrogance that they can control my vastness. the rumors in my home town/my past attracted them... its my own fault for not cleaning that up sooner. but at the time, those rumors were the perfect wall, keeping everyone out or potential wrong-doers/abusers in fear of me. i guess the lack of a father figure, vast intellect, past aryan brotherhood grooming, and being the 'black sheep' made me look like the perfect candidate to the Hells Angels? i know some of my family just thinks its so cool and powerful to be apart of them... yes... the Bar as a Church... that is, so, vast. they never knew of my conviction towards my own intellect, dreams, and Future. im just glad my age-old defense mechanisms were still apart of me, as they subtly redirected, controlled, or otherwise manupilated them away from me. i shouldve known back then, that first day, of them wanting me to break into phones that were locked while them telling me theres pictures of dead bodies, drugs, etc on it, that that was a test. i guess my subconscious mind picked up on it whereas i didnt, as for some reason i gave up on breaking into the phones and decided my own websites and gaming were more important. :p. i can say this though, the HA are crude, arrogant, and very barbaristic... whereas the aryan brotherhood actually earned my respect at the time (2014-2018) by providing, caring, gently pushing me to explore my passions such as tech, etc but made sure i wasnt a communist haha. maybe they werent trying to groom me back then, maybe it was a guy turned clean, or rather trying to do right by his own Requiem. dont get me wrong, i can never go back to the AB, it is and always will be a stain on my history. yes i do find nostalgia in those times due to getting the Nuture of a father-figure i never had, i even still find nostalgia in RAC music... now my political/worldviews are more akin with the Founding Fathers; Libertarianism. it saddens me that i know a certain, Self-Rightous / Holier than Thou few in my immediate family that will still demonize me for my past wall & past grooming (they sadly, still think it was my original idea. yes, a 14-19 year old developing Fascism on their own...). someday i will know peace, internal, and external.
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