i don't know their reasoning. but it's clearly targeted malice. for most of my formative years in school it was very clear i was different, and highly intelligent. at early/mid third grade i had a verbal iq of 119, and a performative iq of 128. this lead to an iq of 128, and as such the schools/institutions urged my family to treat me as such, only so i could correctly and healthily grow into it. i guess that spawned permanent views of contempt towards me... and to this day they refuse to help me in any way, no matter how much i struggle. in their eyes i deserve every single bit of trauma and struggle, as if they had been through even more growing up. not having employment ties in here, it gives them an angle of attack... i wish i could work ordinary jobs but i just cant with my various diseases of the brain. they even make excuses that im a terrible person, a pedophile, murderer, jihadist, or whatever other "monster" label they threw on me in the past. its a sad thought, what could i have been if i had been in a stable and healthy household(s) growing up? yeah, im directing this at a Certain Few, as it is deserved, and within my sovereignty and measure of past trauma, I Am Allowed to point blame upon you. it's nothing 'personal', it's just me building foundation while reintegrating core pieces during my healing phase. ive done various online tests for my iq these past years as validation, in 2019/2020 it was around 140, 2021 around 118, 2023 around 95. it is clear; the more trauma i endure and have to process, the more mental bandwidth is bottlenecked. no wonder after cutting very toxic ties from my life (typical high-school bravado/bullies that carried their HS personalities past their early 20s), not only my mental, but my cognitive depth and prowess instantly started improving. ill take another test in january, if i remember, to see if i have improved at all. however a bottleneck that isnt external ive noticed is my vocabulary, it is still of a highschoolers vocabulary level, as I dropped out in mid 6th grade.
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