What do you do when your entire world-view is just of getting hurt? All I see anymore from people is how they copy me, how they project onto me, how they compete where there is no willful competition, how they purposefully trigger my bpd for a reaction in some vain attempt of feeling superior. I try to build projects, but I just get recorded and snickered at and told I don't know what real work is. I try to make new friends, just for old ones to come in and slander or perform nepotistic narcissism with my family. I can't speak up without indirectly being told I'm vying for attention or trying to get a better life, as if that was a bad thing to wish for myself. I try to vent or be proud of something to any of my brothers just for them to dismiss it and them shove whatever they did that they're proud of in my face, more ape-like behavior ig. It's all so tiring, especially for the things I had survived and experienced in my sight alone, which may come to light soon? Maybe that will heal more than I expect it to.
A healthy person would probably just be yea that's bpd speaking, but I'd reply with that you're gaslighting me? Seriously, I feel trapped in a way, fending off multiple fronts, alone.
At least it has taught me that I was never suicidal, or a "bipolar monster" as my family in the past has tried to frame me out to be; I just wanted the pain to stop, I just wanted to be loved and be treated like a human. Maybe I just need to find a new family, new friends, a new location. A place of love, respect, full of dignity and life. But I really can't do that either. I can't work. I can't travel. I can't communicate "in-person" effectively. I can't stop masking towards human egos, I can't stop "weaving" through conversations and personalities.
I feel trapped; I've felt trapped for years. I have no mouth, and surely, I must scream!
Is it wrong for my, correct, reactions?
I'm claustrophobic and my apotheosis will come, someday.