apparently expressing that being around someone who drinks alcohol, puts me on edge, makes me a bad person. it's a weird dynamic. I'll express it out of a need for my own healing, and my mother will turn it around to be that it's her healing and that she needs alcohol and that I need to grow up, and when I express that dynamic and disdain for it, she'll say I'm putting words in her head, like her ex. i've had to endure 3-4 years of this, not to mention the endurance of meth, oxy, and other use in my teens. and there's no way out, i'm forced to deal with it and have these such negative emotions that make me genuinely want to run for my life, nearly 24/7. but i'm the burden.
I just want to live, be happy, and have peace. I've wanted that for longer than 15 years. I can't even move out because I can't work due to all of these ptsd/trauma issues. I can't move back with other family due to them thinking i'm some monster for breaking some cabinets during a bad mental breakdown years ago (gpa died, friends ganged up on me and backstabbed me, irl friend abandoned me, gf at the time was a literal russian bot catfish) and expressing that I want to stay there gets me threatened with physical harm; that was an embarrassing breakdown. breaking down crying and collapsing in front of my own grandmother.
Two Decades of torture it seems like. Why? Because I exist and I'm different.
No one understands the amount of prayer and crying I've done for a decade. The nights hiding away so no one finds me praying to gods they don't believe in and so I don't get punished. Just so I can find something alive that understands me. The nights where I managed to find peace, in prayer, as it was just a form of venting. I've explored the Angels, the Daemons, the various gods and goddesses of Rome, Greece, Egypt, Pagans, all to find the root beings behind many, that wears many masks. I personally like the trinity/fates/morrigan and Raziel, naturally, given my past and what they are. Apparently being into the occult for my own betterment makes me schizophrenic, thanks ex "best friend"! Don't make friends with people in the mental hospital and continue them IRL, they will drag you through so much shit especially if you are vulnerable with a chameleon/introjection.
Someday I will fly. It's no longer what if I fall, it's what if I fucking fly!