I need to learn to let go of my family, genuinely. I know it's hard because I have no where else or no one else to turn to, but I have to for my own health. Whenever I get the money, that's the plan I guess.
I've always ignored how they treated me and what they do to my psyche. It's like they enjoy it. For example, I confronted my mother on her behavior towards me such as throwing my clothes in the dog food/water bowl as if I was a dog, or her ignoring me to make me repeat a question, to me joking I should be president due to my ideas such as my Eudemics repo and she just makes a joke on me and that I'd somehow be worse than trump. Or how she will invite strangers, homeless, or even heroin addicts over despite my trauma from that shit in my youth. Or even more recently, my cousin who stole things from me and degrades me. But no, he's just joking around and he's a good person. She has such a negative mental view of me because I defend myself now from her drunken state. But I'm stuck living with her because I can't work and I have no one to rely on.
Another example is how I was getting bullied by her sister for just existing, to find out in her head I'm in some competition with her children. I tried explaining to her my history with surviving literal domestic terrorists online and how that fucked me up, but it was just X Y and Z about her kids and how they're doing better and that the things I've been through never happened because they were online and all I do is sit at a computer. Needless to say that caused a breakdown.
At this point just have the CIA recruit me. Or Palantir. I don't think I can work because of my cptsd, but maybe, just maybe I could make it work with them... Actually, I will do just that, email Palantir about seeing if anything is a match.
I generally don't like posting about family drama, but it's starting to become a cry for help as I'm realizing how dehumanized I've become to defend myself due to the lack of dignity I get by those whom are supposed to love, understand and care for me especially with my CPTSD and not call it laziness, or that I'm being a bitch, or that I'm just mooching. It gets to a point that I humorously use sexual flirtation as a defensive weapon against my own family because I have nothing left to show them who they are. Mind you, I'm usually asexual until I get hypersexual around someone intelligent, or loving, or if they have a chromatic personality. Now that I'm more healed, well the more I heal, the more I long to be on my own so I can finally have peace.
On my other side of my family where I can only rely on one person, I feel like I can't even communicate with them as it's just X Y and Z about my mental issues from the other family members and how they're so very wrong and such a sin. They never see the cause, or how at one point in time an adult beating the shit out of me caused me to pull a knife on said adult. I'm not pressing, I'm making a point. They've belittled me for that action for the past decade and made up their own views on how my mind works without ever talking to me for longer than 3 minutes in the span of 11 years, even when I was defending them from literal online-terrorists, or at least that's how I feel about it as my memory from the past decade is so deteriorated because I have buried so many.
I want to say they're good people, but the drugs, alcohol, theft, belittlement, and competition say differently. I don't even know why I was born into this family as I'm so different and a burden and un-wanted.
I just want to Live. In all aspects, for once. I believe I deserve it.