after literal years of mental torment by my own brain and fake friends, i really don't know how i managed to pull it off. The self love I feel now when I look at my projects, dreams, or just things I do in general. I just get so excited and warm for my projects now. I believe it's a good step in the direction of completely healing; It's an opposite to this constant fear of doing something wrong, constant fear of impending doom, constant fear that I, myself is wrong.
I did notice that I still retreat when confronted in any way, a friend had brought up psuedo-intellectuallism and I instantly labeled myself as that, and when they asked what it was, despite knowing intuitively what it was, my brain just retreated and erased the memory of what it was. I wish I knew how to heal that part, but when I try my body genuinely just fills with such a dread and debilitating fear with feelings of cold, maybe that's the adrenaline. I don't even remember why or how my body learned to fear like this, but I'm sure my future self will figure it out. He always does.
I can't wait to actually learn to draw again, and I certainly can't wait to learn to make music and learn Russian/German/Japanese. Those will surely make me whole, it's just a problem because I just shut down when trying to start. Thanks CPTSD! I really wish there was an off switch for it, it's annoooooyiiiing.
Anyways, I'm starting to feel warm towards myself now when last year there wasn't even a hint of that. Maybe that's a very good sign.