im just watching pokelawls play votv again. its a comfy stream overall. yet im still not relaxed, its very annoying. my neck hurts & my threat pattern recognition is constantly running in the background. oh well, i knew it would take a while for my body to relax / know its safe even if my ego / self does. i suppose that itself counts :p
i probably mentioned this before in one of my posts, but my internal threat models urge me to speak on it: i wish i could work honestly, but in reality im trapped inside my own body, and even further inside my fractured ego/self/mind & emotions. i know some may pick up on me faking things, but the only thing im faking is my masks and or me misdirecting you from how i actually am / suffer from. "im just tired", or "just being lazy" is a very common phrase for this. i have so many desires and dreams and things id like to do, that require money that is actually in my reach if i was at 100%. but i have to stuggle with minimal energy levels all day while also consciously suppressing my amygdala (thanks prefrontal cortex for catching up enough to give me the ability to do that) so it doesnt get scared of its own shadow...
being human is exhausting. most of my life was robbed by trauma others forced upon me & no one ever seeing that nor helping me correctly due to genuinely not being equipped enough to handle it themselves. i doubt DBT would work on me, as i follow a similar internal routine, or well have, all my life. it works SOME, but is not a cure. fuck, drugs dont even work. marijuana was nice for the forgetful nature it gave me. alcohol was nice for the sociality it gave me. nicotine was nice for the antipsychotic affects :p
im actually getting tired of trauma dumping on here
its annoying too. i dont want to present an image of "broken" or "trying to get attention" or "porcelain doll", but i literally have 0 other places to vent fully. if i had a therapist id mask some by nature, due to communicating with another human. i just want to be at peace, have stability, have income/money, and build things ive wanted to build since i was 12 years old.
i wanted my own phase-array radiostronomy setup since 2011 my own rf/am transceivers an ibm 5100 (or two) and more ofc but the point is im a systems architect by birth & i was born for it however it too was robbed from me just like my teenage years (i mean i dont care about those years, i just want to build things and satiate my soul)
i suppose recognizing that is a very good and healthy sign! im actually slowly returning to my earlier self, but more mature? oh well
im going to go to a neuropsychologist soon and get extensive neurological testing/scans for various things & maybe to see how my brain processes things differently