i've discovered that i often go into a "flow state with aesthetic-dissociative characteristics". i often listen to foreign music where i am unable to hook into semantic content such as aggressive edm, atmospheric russian post punk. i bypass the verbal/analytical brain entirely and drop into a sort of somatic-aesthetic state. this would explain my earlier posts/observations about a cool gentle breeze being about me. i just never made the correlation of this to an embodied/self-aware/grounded state. makes sense given my years of "training" with theta-adjacent brain states :p
i suppose this underlying state was always here and it was always drowned out by chaos/noise. ive noticed i started self-romanticizing more, but having a self-concept that isnt actively hostile toward me, for the first time in a very long time, is probably why i label it as self-romanticizing. i dont know what actual self-romanticizing is like, and ive been in such a deep, negative baseline forever.