The amount of times I survived it is insane. I swear if I have to go through that again, I'll die from the stress alone. Last time my vision went dark and blurry because it was too intense to feel at the time of betrayal. It's a sin for only me, to experience love, both from an outer perspective and an internal working.
For me, I don't love someone, as I can tell, normally. I become absolutely devoted to said person at my own expense, so much so that every second away from them is painful. I have many scars from this alone, as in the past it led to self-harm. Every word they say gives me a rush, every time they're away they give me a neurotic rush to very extreme extremes such as self-harm, suicidal ideation, and more, just from absence. Let alone betrayal, lies, and more. It's not healthy, it never is, it's why I tend to avoid relationships in general and have such high standards when it comes to relationships.
The last three people I tried, two Americans and one German didn't turn out too well. The person who was a mutual of my other friends, she was always flirty so it kinda just clicked faster & it was right after the German fucked me over so I transferred a lot of the previous feelings onto her, regretfully. I wish I was more healed at the time to better deal with what happened and the things I felt at the time of betrayal by them too, but I'm sorry but if only you could see me now. The things I'm doing, the amount of healing I've been doing.
The same goes for the other American, god she was so infectious to the point I still think about her. She wasn't the best and was avoidant and dragged me along a lot, but for some reason I miss it. Probably another typical BPD response. The last thing she really said to me, the dick, was "that desire to learn new things, is beautiful"... You really know how to hook me, but I know for a fact I had you hooked too even in periods you didn't talk much. I wonder what you would say to me now, after being with me through some of the modern hardest parts of my life and literally being the only person to witness my growth these past 5 years. I do regret being so neurotic when you got avoidant, but you infectious vampire, made it impossible to think/exist/be without. As is the case with every FP; I hate BPD. I wish I was normal. And for you, I'll learn Japanese like you were, once I am able to.
I'm loving myself now and I'm starting to wonder if those people from my past would too for once. That would be a most euphoric feeling.