so dear reader, you want to save yourself huh? step one. find something to get obsessed with, for me that is computer science in its entirety. despite having difficulties reading in general due to ptsd, i have deeply romanticized the soul of the machine and it has driven me to learn so much these past three years of torment. step two, repeat and repeat and repeat the obsession so its teachings get ingrained into you. tfw i instilled systems thinking by autistically hammering my psyche with systems thinking. step three, profit.
On a more serious note, CS, even if I've been very slow in learning it, has saved my life more times than once. Those nights being alone and having nothing but my torturous thoughts of loneliness, or those nights of being backstabbed and betrayed, or those nights of just yearning for my eldest dream. Computer Science is the only thing I could really turn to that made me whole. I told many lies to myself, that I'm doing X for money, or that I'm just playing around. No, I was feeding my soul it's lost core be relearning what I loved about computers as a child while getting intimately in-depth with them. It still exhausts me to get more than surface level in hardware or software, I'm even struggling to read SICP for SICP's sake despite the massive yearning I have for it... I really hope to be cured of this mental disease because I want to learn so many cool things and make so much more. I want to have my knowledge expanded beyond that of a pre-highschool dropout, but it's exhausting. I'm trying my best and stumbling a lot, but surely I'll get there.
I'm in love with the game I'm making too. It makes me warm to work on it, it makes me feel good to dream up it's entire world, from the macro to the micro. And I can't wait to present it to the world. I believe others will love it just as much as I do. It's going to be so comfy