i suppose it's also time to dissect my internal coping/defensive mechanisms how i survived over the years is:
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internalizing a "knowing" that i am un-wanted/un-loved by any and all this has been very freeing, it has also killed my general anxieties with people
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thanks to many people in the past 15 years performing reactive abuse & trying to get me to commit suicide, alongside 1, i weaponized this and used it to kill my own suicidal ideation.
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chameleon circuit!
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internalizing my intellect; an outer mask that speaks for me this has been a bit troubling lately as ive out-grown it, and i have no need for it anymore. i have 0 need to mask who i am thanks to #1 and #2.
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learning to regulate my fight/flight responses & during ptsd taking over my day dreams (mal-adaptive/simulations) with high paced games & zoning out with music (fight / flight), each activates a different system, and I'm doing my best to train my body to not be so afraid of certain actions, or series of actions.
i felt a need to write this as someone from my past flooded my mind (maladaptive daydreaming) while doing #5. it was making me zone out alot. the person was an ex abusive "best friend" narcissistic person. and the whole "idea" of that daydream was him realizing he's done me wrong & him turning people against me abroad, even in germany, was wrong. i wonder if this is some part of bpd i havent realized yet, or even ptsd, my brain trying to get me to let go?