all my life i viewed ego as equal to pain / abuse / evil. but im starting to realize that was other people, or rather, abusers and narcissists masking what an ego is/should be. i believe me fighting against having an ego has done genuine damage towards both my confidence & me having troubles integrated my defensive personalities and mechanisms.
i do not wish to stroke my own ego, or have it inflated, that much is true. and i know bpd can inflate it alot. but i shall try to curate one.
freud's structural model of personality divides the human psyche into three interacting components, id, ego, and superego. i also had worked hard to cut out my id in my younger years. maybe that's the reason for my hypersexuality in recent years? combined with the darvo from abusers surrounding my sexuality. hmmmm, more to introspect i guess. i do not trust id, i never have. it has never served me. that could also account for the split i feel & deal with/dealt with, since it governs impulses.
i wonder if acknowledging this will help me cut it out again. i really don't need id, i've learned to control everything with my ego/core. aggression is directed, not sporatic, for example.
as for superego, i never had that for as far back as i can remember. well, let me be more accurate. "the part of a person's mind that acts as a self-critical conscience, reflecting social standards learned from parents and teachers."
i do have a good level of meta-cognition & self-awareness, self-criticalism comes with that. however, i do not reflect social standards at all. i developed my own early on, and refined it in my teens; treat life as life, equal. dont look up to it, nor down on it. its natural law and is a true respect of nature. respecting sovereign will comes with this too. but "thou shalt not do X" ehhh, im a simple human. i try to maximize contentment, pleasure, stability, and happyiness, not suffering, or other things (besides being self-destructive of course).
oh jeez, this is a deep complex rabbit hole of my psyche that i need to surface so i can articulate it to others better. ive kinda developed my own internal language, without language/words in my internal-monologue that i have used for years. so i have been working on translating it so others may better understand me :p
self check!: (??? i feel fine/normal. no symptoms of mania or psychosis cues. all i have is that cool breeze about me & hints of a coming caffeine crash. but thats expected as i use caffeine to regulate my sleep & utilize crashes to help me sleep better).
also, for context:
this blog structure isn't singular, each post is part of a larger picture. "Daemon" refers to what ive began to call "containers" of parts of my psyche that i either cut off, edited, changed, distorted, masked, etc. its part of a much longer integration process for my entire Soul.
and i don't entire follow or believe frued's model, it seems like its missing alot and its damn apparent that he didnt have much meta-cognition or self-awareness, or rather, not to the depth that i have. i wonder if that itself, is a gift of ptsd.
so many layers around the core... jeez